I wrote the following on my iPad during a recent flight from Fort Lauderdale to Houston on a horrible airline that shall remain nameless (Spirit). This should serve as another reminder that I should listen to my husband (I won’t) and gives him yet another opportunity to say, “I told you so.” (He did.) Keep in mind that I wrote this — all of this — in the moment while on the plane and by reading this you’ll witness me going all Lewis Black at various points throughout this blog entry. And if you don’t know who Lewis Black is, then we can no longer be friends.
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On way to Houston… On Spirit Airlines.
If you’re asking yourself, “Who?” then my response would be, “Exactly!”
But, hey, the sky cap loading the luggage is cuuuuuuuute! Hola, papi….
So we’ve got two flight attendants… That one looks like Roz from Monsters Inc…. The other, hey she’s hot, but she’s not doing shit, just standing there looking pretty…
Flight attendant’s voice is all sexy and raspy… Phone sex operator! That’s her real job!
OK, got my glasses on now… Ohhh… so the other flight attendant isn’t hot. Her eyes are too far apart and she needs to see a dermatologist about that mole… and that’s why she’s a phone sex operator!
What’s that smell? Actually, there are all kinds of smells… The kind that grace your nasal palette at a farmers market…. in a third world country.
Wait… Do I hear a chicken?
It’s like Mumbai up in this bitch. There’s also Mexico. Zimbabwe. China. Trinidad y Tobago… It’s literally, the United Nations… Or the Miss Universe pageant.
First of all, you know there’s a problem when there are no white people on the plane. Wait… There’s one… Oh goodie, he’s in my row. Aisle seat. I got the window seat, bitches!
The white guy’s hands are shaking as he drinks his Mountain Dew and the look on his face says, “What the fuck did I get myself into?”
This is like “Airplane” the movie…
To my husband… Why didn’t you stop me from getting on this shitty plane? I thought you loved me! (Actually, he told me not to book this flight, but he didn’t physically STOP me.)
To my kids… I love you and if I don’t make it back, well, we all know who to blame.
Oh look, the plane’s moving… We’re leaving! How do I roll down this window… Bye, papi…
There’s no first class, ala Southwest but at least there are assigned seats.
Wait a minute… The seats don’t even recline!!! There’s no WiFi!!!
To think I had to pay to carry my own carry on. Forty five fucking dollars! Each way!!!
Let’s see… forty five fucking dollars plus forty five fucking dollars… that comes to ninety fucking dollars!!! NINE-TEEEEEEEEE. FUCK-EEEEEEEEEEN. DOLL-ERRRRZZZZZZ.
I am not the smart. *face palm*
Flying at night and want to read a book? Too fucking bad. The night lights overhead don’t work.
And OMFG someone is actually eating Fritos and bean dip!
Finally, the beverage cart…
“Would you like a drink for purchase?”
I’ll just take a coke.
“That’ll be five dollars.”
She must have misunderstood: Just a Coke or Pepsi.
“That’ll be five dollars.”
No, I said a Coke, not a rum and Coke.
“There are no complimentary beverages.”
OK, so I’m flying the ghetto airlines of the skies…Can I get a 40 in a paper bag?
Why does the plane keep shaking! It’s like riding in a car with no shocks…
One sec, the pilot is talking… There’s an accent…
“We like to tank juuu for ehh flying “ehh-speer-rrred” today.”