Are you for serious right now? Seriously, is this really happening?
First of all, she’s not even our waitress. Still, she’s been at our table for a good 20 minutes.
Our daughter – the second youngest of our five girls, yes, I said FIVE girls – graduated from 8th grade tonight. This is her graduation dinner. OK, so it’s Denny’s. We’re not fancy people, but we do have all of our teeth (which is more than I can say for our real waitress, the one actually taking our order).
You see, for about the last 10 months, we’ve been living on the cusp of the “bible belt” in Florida. To be more accurate, this is where confederate flag-waving, bible thumpers, former and current meth heads, soy latte-ordering blue bloods and the very elderly (or as my husband calls them, “crypt keepers”) cohabitate. Throw in some Cubans who are just north of their comfort zone and us – a bi-racial, desert defecting, blended family from Phoenix – and you’ve got one hell of a battlefield. Errr… I mean community.
THIS is our new hood!
But back to the waitress…
Picture Angelina Jolie. Now picture the exact opposite… the most EXTREME opposite… but with way more tattoos. Got the visual? Now take 5 inches off her height, add in a mullet, put it in a ponytail and you’ve got our guy… uhh, girl.
She looked like a short, husky mechanic named “JimBob” who was “a fixin’” to change the oil in our car. But this “JimBob” had boobs – big, manly, burly boobs. She even folded the cuffs of her Denny’s uniform at the arms (because that’s where she keeps her cigarettes – duh!).
But THIS is what we attract. We attract those previously on the circus circuit… or rehab… or prison… or all three. But ya know what we really, REALLY attract? Oversharers. (No, I’m not making this up, it’s a word. It’s in the (urban) dictionary– look it up!)
These are people who LOVE to tell us their life stories, their trials and tribulations, rehab stints, prison stints. They basically give us a rundown of every time they’ve ever been arrested and are just shy of telling us where the bodies are buried before we make a run for the door.
I know what you’re thinking… “Don’t you want to know where the bodies are buried?” Hell no! We’ve seen enough episodes (literally thousands!) of Law & Order and Criminal Minds, and our motto is “the less you know.”
In this case, the “oversharer” (aka “JimBob” the waitress) stood in front of our table as if she was testing her material for a night at The Improv and we were the focus group.
In between “JimBob’s” oversharing, our real waitress was doing her best not to interrupt “the show” as she slid burgers and chicken fried steak orders around our table. I really wanted more coffee but I was afraid another interruption would have just pissed him, I mean her, off.
She said she was from a small town in the Midwest, population 6,500, where she raised three sons who sometimes needed “a good ass whoopin’.” She said it was the kind of town where the cops wouldn’t stop you from beating your kids rather they’d ask the kid how he fucked up and then get in a lick or two.
Now, we’re not sure if she “ass whooped” them before or after her time in rehab or prison. I’m sure rehab and prison were two different stints, right? Can you do rehab and prison at the same time? Damn, I should’ve asked “JimBob.”
To be honest, I’m not sure how she went from whoopin’ kids’ asses to rehab to old people are bad tippers (she really needs to work on her transitions), but she’s supposedly/allegedly working on her second (second!) bachelor’s degree in… wait for it… Drug and Alcohol Counseling! *rimshot*